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Febuary 03, 2003 |
by Sandra Coulson |
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Jack and Nancy know grandparenting brings with it complications they
didn't face when they were parenting the first time -- things such as
age- related health concerns, complicated family dynamics and radically
changed financial plans. "The more you delve into it, the more you learn," says Jack. Nancy figures it's time to give a hand to other grandparents like them. She's written a magazine guest column and appeared on a radio show. Most recently, she asked Childreach, a London service agency helping families with young kids, to hold a course for grandparents like her. Childreach's co-ordinator of community programs, Anne McKay, says the agency had been thinking about a course for grandparents generally. But after listening to Nancy, it decided to start with those raising their grandchildren. "Every time I think I've got a handle on it, there's another dynamic that comes to me," says McKay, who is also a grandmother, but not raising her granddaughter. She and Nancy McSloy will lead the Grandparents Raising Grandchildren seminar, which will run for three Thursdays beginning Feb. 13. The seminar is free. Although Childreach is focussed on families with young children, this seminar is open to grandparents raising grandchildren of any age and to residents across the city and beyond. The McSloys and a few other grandparents have also started a local chapter of the Canada-U.S. support group Grand-Parenting Again. The McSloys say they've heard many reasons why grandparents are raising their grandchildren. In their case, Nancy's daughter from a previous marriage, who has been in and out of their lives for years, left her baby boy with them for such extended periods that they finally asked the court for custody. Jack was 46 and Nancy 42 at the time. "We discussed it and it was (a question of) 'What's going to happen to this little guy? Are we going to make a commitment and stand by it and live by it or not make a commitment?' " Jack says. More tragically, they know of a couple out west who are raising their grandchildren after their daughter was murdered by her ex-husband. Others are raising their grandchildren because their children are drug addicts or in jail. McKay says circumstances like these may cause the grandparents to feel guilty about their parenting skills. Family relationships can become complicated. The McSloys have one type of relationship with Matthew and a different type with their other grandchildren, who live with their parents. The age difference also raises issues for families. The McSloys are younger than many grandparents raising their children's children. They know of some in their 60s or 70s. They've even heard of great- grandparents doing it. Still, Jack says, "I don't have the steam" for all the activities he once did with his own kids. He'll play catch with Matthew, but not a game of baseball. They'll rent a cabin, but not go camping. Grandparents also have to cope with more health problems than younger parents do. The generation gap shows up in other ways: Discipline methods have changed, safety is a greater worry and school work is different. Finances are often another major concern because many grandparents are retired and living on limited incomes. Although the McSloys are working, Jack says, "What a difference in the costs of raising them between now and 20 years ago. . . . We're probably spending money on things that we should be putting away for pensions." Nancy stayed home with Matthew for the first few years, while Jack worked as a long-haul trucker. He switched to a local trucking job to be able to spend more time with the boy. But the pay was lower, so Nancy found a part-time job as a customer service representative. Jack's job change also meant they lost their benefit plan. Only two years ago, they discovered grandparents in Ontario are entitled to a government allowance if they are raising a grandchild. It pays $214 a month plus drug and dental benefits for each child. They wonder how many other grandparents are not aware of this support. Taking in Matthew also changed the McSloys' plans for their future without the kids from their marriage. "Around the time Matthew came to stay with us, our kids were 18 and 16 and quite independent, so we could do more," Nancy says. One Christmas, she recalls, the kids were off with their own friends, so she and Jack jumped in the car and drove to Atlantic City. That kind of spontaneity isn't in the cards now. They also have less contact with some old friends because their lives have taken such different directions. Despite all the changes to their lives, the McSloys say they're happy they took in Matthew. "He's so much fun. He's so full of questions," Jack says. "I feel like I'm 90 a lot of days," Nancy says. "But he keeps me young. I couldn't imagine life without Matthew." |
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